Late Night Snark: Oops, He Did It Again Edition

“President Trump was impeached today for a second time. Or as Fox News reported it: Fun rainy-day crafts to do with your grandkids!!!”
—Seth Meyers

“The impeachment articles charged the president with just one thing: inciting violence against the government of the United States. His impeachment comes just one week before the president’s term expires. Do you know how bad of a job you have to be doing to get fired while you’re getting fired? ”
—Stephen Colbert

Continued…

“Trump got impeached in December 2019 and January 2021, and botched COVID in between. Dude basically made a pandemic sandwich with impeachment bread.”
—Jimmy Fallon

“This impeachment gives me one last chance to salvage my reputation!” shouts Rudy Giuliani, as he ladles baked beans into his briefcase.
—Conan O’Brien

In this somber time, let us remember the solemn words of FDR:

—The Daily Show

“Not only did Trump get banned from Twitter, but Google, Apple and Amazon removed the Parler app from their platforms. Parler is where all the right-wingers gather to post Q-a-nonsense and misspell the word ‘parlor.’ Trumpers are complaining bitterly that they’re being silenced. On their three propaganda networks, one-thousand conservative radio shows, and all over the internet, they’re screaming about being silenced.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“Police assumed protesters wouldn’t get out of control because they were white. They were literally wearing shirts that said “Civil War” on them. What else did they need? The back of the shirt to read, Seriously We’re Going To Attack You & Also Shit On The Floor For Some Reason?”
—Samantha Bee

EVERY GOP CONGRESSMAN: To all my Radical Dumbocrat colleagues: We need healing and unity. I say this not just to the Commies, but also to the Libtards.
—Trevor Noah

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 15, 2021

Note: Surely you don’t expect me to write a note on a Friday night, do you? Forget it, I’m checked out. Here’s my grocery list instead: milk, eggs, bananas, a dozen boxes of large garbage bags, and 4,000 pounds of lye. Now go away.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

5 days!!!Days ’til inauguration day: 5

Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who believe democracy in America is “alive and well”: 21%

Percent in the same poll who believe Trump is undermining democracy: 60%

Number of National Guard troops that’ll be deployed in D.C. for the inauguration: 20,000

Minimum number of people who visited Maine state parks last year, a record: 3 million

Percent increase in first-time visitors from 2019: 60%

Year that a poet first took part in a presidential inauguration (Robert Frost for JFK): 1961

Age of Amanda Gorman, who will be the inaugural poet next Wednesday: 22

Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to post-inaugural Jazz Hands!!!  Depending on how things go on Wednesday, we may or may not be in a celebratory mood after Joe and Kamala take their oaths of office. But if the terrorists—aka the Republican party—fail to blow everything up, Team Biden has a heckuva talent show lined up, and it’s a lot better than what “master showman” Whatsizface (I forget his name—the freak in the orange clown makeup whose approval ratings are headed for the 20s) put on four years ago:

Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Timberlake, Demi Lovato, Jon Bon Jovi, Ant Clemons and Tom Hanks are among the stars tapped to appear during Joe Biden’s inauguration festivities next week, the Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Wednesday. “Celebrating America,” a 90-minute live special, will air the evening of President-elect Biden’s inauguration, and will feature remarks from Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris, as well as tributes to COVID-19 first responders.

Looks to me like the insurrection failed.

“This inauguration presents a unique opportunity to spotlight the resilience and spirit of an America united,” PIC CEO Tony Allen said in a statement. “We have witnessed countless heroes this past year step up to the frontlines and serve their fellow Americans, so we are telling their stories, spreading their collective light and celebrating the best of our country and its people with this prime-time program.

The committee also announced the Inauguration Day ceremony lineup Thursday. Lady Gaga, who will perform “The Star-Spangled Banner,” has previous experience with the national anthem, singing (and nailing) it for Super Bowl 50 in 2016.

You can read more about the inauguration participants here. In a shocking non-twist, the current president will not be attending the swearing-in. He’ll be back at the White House trying and failing to pry the J and B keys off the West Wing keyboards. (In her last act as first lady, Melania will melt them into blobs of molten plastic by staring at them.)

CHEERS capturing a creepy crazy Capitol criminal. Yeah, the guy wearing horns was bad. Yeah, the guy with his feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk was worse. And don’t get me started on the moron who tried to steal the Speaker’s lectern. But among all the traitors (300 charged so far) who stormed the Capitol last week, the one who burned my chaps the most was the Jefferson Davis fanboy who frolicked among the statues in the rotunda with a giant confederate flag in his hands. Well, we got him. And not only is he a traitor, he’s also a candidate for Worst Dad in the World. And his son? His son is a f*cking idiot, too:

Kevin Seefried, who was carrying the flag that he later told authorities had been displayed outside his Delaware home, and his son Hunter Seefried [were] arraigned later Thursday in U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C.

Should be stripped of his citizenship.According to a charging document, Kevin Seefried told the FBI on Tuesday during a voluntary interview that he and his son had been part of the group that breached the Capitol’s entrances on Jan. 6, and that they had been in Washington that day to hear Trump speak at a rally on the Ellipse.

The two men were identified after a co-worker of Hunter Seefried contacted the FBI to say Hunter “had bragged about being in the Capitol with his father” during the riot, the document says.

Thus proving that, in Traitor Land, the shithead doesn’t fall far from the asshole.

JEERS to yesteryear’s sleazebag. On Sunday’s date in 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich—the guy who promised to clean up Washington—accepted a reprimand by the House that included a $300,000 penalty as punishment for decidedly un-clean ethics violations.  Four days later the House voted 395-28 to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.  If memory serves, the sun was shining and the birds were singing that day.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

Mom shows her baby elephant how to cross the river bank.. He almost nails it.. pic.twitter.com/qWengpCewb— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) January 14, 2021

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to messing with The Precious.  On January 16, 1919, the tenacious temperance twits in Wyoming became the last ones necessary to ratify Prohibition, which went into effect on January 16, 1920…in the name, of course, of Jeeeeeezus. As a lapsed Episcopalian, I’d like to apologize for this on behalf of all my brethren and sistren:

Many Prohibition groups, called “dries”, were church-based, mainly Protestant denominations.

“Yeah. We’ll get right on that.”The anti-Prohibition groups, or “wets”, tended to be mostly Roman Catholic, Episcopalian and Lutherans from Germany. Both major political parties had wet and dry factions.

[W]hen Congress convened in January, 1917, the mandate was clear: regardless of party, dries outnumbered wets in Congress by 2-to-1.

The result: a huge spike in organized crime.  The stock market crash of 1929 led to the eventual repeal of the 18th amendment on the premise that reviving the legit liquor industry would create jobs.  So you might say that in a weird way the banksters toppled the gangsters. (Although, like today, it took authorities awhile to figure out who was who.)

CHEERS to home vegetation. Here’s some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O’Donnell processing the Friday news dumps on MSNBC as we end the last week of the Trump era. Or you can watch the U.S. Ladies Free Skate Championships at 8 on NBC (the men skate tomorrow at 4pm), or new episodes of Whose Line and Penn & Teller: Fool Us on the CW. Tonight at 11 on BBC America, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Regina King and “The Queen’s Gambit” star Anya Taylor-Joy. 

Encore showing tomorrow night at 10 on MSNBC.The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here (Tom Brady and Drew Brees go at it Sunday at 6:30 on Fox, and that’ll be fun) and the NBA schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 10 catch an encore showing of the great documentary focusing (pun intended) on Barack Obama’s White House photographer Pete Souza, The Way I See It, on MSNBC. SNL is still in reruns (the Justin Bateman-hosted show is tomorrow night). Sunday on 60 Minutes: inauguration security efforts in the wake of the Republican Party’s attempted coup. And at 8 on the CW you can catch the season premiere of Batwoman with new lead Javicia Leslie and, as always, Rachel Maddow providing commentary as radio personality Vesper Fairchild.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

Prepare yourself, people. We’re about to have a White House communications team that’s not made up of serial liars. Kate Bedingfield offers a truth-telling preview Sunday.Face the Nation: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); incoming CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Gov. Jim Justice (Trump Cult-WV); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter (D).

This Week: Biden White House communications director Kate Bedingfield.

CNN’s State of the Union: Biden chief of staff Ron Klain; Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Rep. Jaime Raskin (D-MD).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA

Happy viewing!

Ten years ago in C&J: January 15, 2011

JEERS to the new Keeper of the Thankless Job.  Oh, drat.  I thought God might intervene and, purely for our amusement, allow Michael Steele to stay on as chairman of the RNC.  Twas not to be.  The new chairman’s name is Reince Priebus.  I hate him already—he just made my spellchecker explode. [1/15/21 Update: Hey, brilliant job on that party “rebranding,” Reince. We hope you’re finding your duties at the Burger King fry vat more suitable to your talents.]

And just one more…

CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.”  Michelle Obama (who you can follow on twitter here) is the tenth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I’ve lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model—not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I’ll stop there for space reasons—my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the “People’s House” than any time I can remember. (For another five days the place will continue to feel more like Berlin circa 1945.)  Sunday is Michelle’s hrrfrrfrfth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…

I know there’s no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it’s fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I’ll stop there for space reasons—my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.

P.S. Her too:

She’ll be 99!

This is the final weekend of the Trump administration. Even if I get hit by a bus, develop rickets and a tree falls on my house, it’s still gonna be the best weekend ever. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Late Night Snark: Oops, He Did It Again Edition

“President Trump was impeached today for a second time. Or as Fox News reported it: Fun rainy-day crafts to do with your grandkids!!!”
—Seth Meyers

“The impeachment articles charged the president with just one thing: inciting violence against the government of the United States. His impeachment comes just one week before the president’s term expires. Do you know how bad of a job you have to be doing to get fired while you’re getting fired?
—Stephen Colbert

Continued…

“Trump got impeached in December 2019 and January 2021, and botched COVID in between. Dude basically made a pandemic sandwich with impeachment bread.”
—Jimmy Fallon

“This impeachment gives me one last chance to salvage my reputation!” shouts Rudy Giuliani, as he ladles baked beans into his briefcase.
—Conan O’Brien

In this somber time, let us remember the solemn words of FDR:

—The Daily Show

“Not only did Trump get banned from Twitter, but Google, Apple and Amazon removed the Parler app from their platforms. Parler is where all the right-wingers gather to post Q-a-nonsense and misspell the word ‘parlor.’ Trumpers are complaining bitterly that they’re being silenced. On their three propaganda networks, one-thousand conservative radio shows, and all over the internet, they’re screaming about being silenced.”
—Jimmy Kimmel

“Police assumed protesters wouldn’t get out of control because they were white. They were literally wearing shirts that said “Civil War” on them. What else did they need? The back of the shirt to read, Seriously We’re Going To Attack You & Also Shit On The Floor For Some Reason?”
—Samantha Bee

EVERY GOP CONGRESSMAN: To all my Radical Dumbocrat colleagues: We need healing and unity. I say this not just to the Commies, but also to the Libtards.
—Trevor Noah

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 15, 2021

Note: Surely you don’t expect me to write a note on a Friday night, do you? Forget it, I’m checked out. Here’s my grocery list instead: milk, eggs, bananas, a dozen boxes of large garbage bags, and 4,000 pounds of lye. Now go away.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

5 days!!!

Days ’til inauguration day: 5

Percent of Americans polled by Quinnipiac who believe democracy in America is “alive and well”: 21%

Percent in the same poll who believe Trump is undermining democracy: 60%

Number of National Guard troops that’ll be deployed in D.C. for the inauguration: 20,000

Minimum number of people who visited Maine state parks last year, a record: 3 million

Percent increase in first-time visitors from 2019: 60%

Year that a poet first took part in a presidential inauguration (Robert Frost for JFK): 1961

Age of Amanda Gorman, who will be the inaugural poet next Wednesday: 22

Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…

CHEERS to post-inaugural Jazz Hands!!!  Depending on how things go on Wednesday, we may or may not be in a celebratory mood after Joe and Kamala take their oaths of office. But if the terrorists—aka the Republican party—fail to blow everything up, Team Biden has a heckuva talent show lined up, and it’s a lot better than what “master showman” Whatsizface (I forget his name—the freak in the orange clown makeup whose approval ratings are headed for the 20s) put on four years ago:

Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Justin Timberlake, Demi Lovato, Jon Bon Jovi, Ant Clemons and Tom Hanks are among the stars tapped to appear during Joe Biden’s inauguration festivities next week, the Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Wednesday. […] “Celebrating America,” a 90-minute live special, will air the evening of President-elect Biden’s inauguration, and will feature remarks from Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris, as well as tributes to COVID-19 first responders.

Looks to me like the insurrection failed.

“This inauguration presents a unique opportunity to spotlight the resilience and spirit of an America united,” PIC CEO Tony Allen said in a statement. “We have witnessed countless heroes this past year step up to the frontlines and serve their fellow Americans, so we are telling their stories, spreading their collective light and celebrating the best of our country and its people with this prime-time program.

The committee also announced the Inauguration Day ceremony lineup Thursday. Lady Gaga, who will perform “The Star-Spangled Banner,” has previous experience with the national anthem, singing (and nailing) it for Super Bowl 50 in 2016.

You can read more about the inauguration participants here. In a shocking non-twist, the current president will not be attending the swearing-in. He’ll be back at the White House trying and failing to pry the J and B keys off the West Wing keyboards. (In her last act as first lady, Melania will melt them into blobs of molten plastic by staring at them.)

CHEERS capturing a creepy crazy Capitol criminal. Yeah, the guy wearing horns was bad. Yeah, the guy with his feet up on Nancy Pelosi’s desk was worse. And don’t get me started on the moron who tried to steal the Speaker’s lectern. But among all the traitors (300 charged so far) who stormed the Capitol last week, the one who burned my chaps the most was the Jefferson Davis fanboy who frolicked among the statues in the rotunda with a giant confederate flag in his hands. Well, we got him. And not only is he a traitor, he’s also a candidate for Worst Dad in the World. And his son? His son is a f*cking idiot, too:

Kevin Seefried, who was carrying the flag that he later told authorities had been displayed outside his Delaware home, and his son Hunter Seefried [were] arraigned later Thursday in U.S. District Court in Washington, D.C.

Should be stripped of his citizenship.

According to a charging document, Kevin Seefried told the FBI on Tuesday during a voluntary interview that he and his son had been part of the group that breached the Capitol’s entrances on Jan. 6, and that they had been in Washington that day to hear Trump speak at a rally on the Ellipse. […]

The two men were identified after a co-worker of Hunter Seefried contacted the FBI to say Hunter “had bragged about being in the Capitol with his father” during the riot, the document says.

Thus proving that, in Traitor Land, the shithead doesn’t fall far from the asshole.

JEERS to yesteryear’s sleazebag. On Sunday’s date in 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich—the guy who promised to clean up Washington—accepted a reprimand by the House that included a $300,000 penalty as punishment for decidedly un-clean ethics violations.  Four days later the House voted 395-28 to discipline its leader for ethical misconduct.  If memory serves, the sun was shining and the birds were singing that day.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

Mom shows her baby elephant how to cross the river bank.. He almost nails it.. pic.twitter.com/qWengpCewb

— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) January 14, 2021

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to messing with The Precious.  On January 16, 1919, the tenacious temperance twits in Wyoming became the last ones necessary to ratify Prohibition, which went into effect on January 16, 1920…in the name, of course, of Jeeeeeezus. As a lapsed Episcopalian, I’d like to apologize for this on behalf of all my brethren and sistren:

Many Prohibition groups, called “dries”, were church-based, mainly Protestant denominations.

“Yeah. We’ll get right on that.”

The anti-Prohibition groups, or “wets”, tended to be mostly Roman Catholic, Episcopalian and Lutherans from Germany. Both major political parties had wet and dry factions.

[W]hen Congress convened in January, 1917, the mandate was clear: regardless of party, dries outnumbered wets in Congress by 2-to-1.

The result: a huge spike in organized crime.  The stock market crash of 1929 led to the eventual repeal of the 18th amendment on the premise that reviving the legit liquor industry would create jobs.  So you might say that in a weird way the banksters toppled the gangsters. (Although, like today, it took authorities awhile to figure out who was who.)

CHEERS to home vegetation. Here’s some of the haps on the squawk box this weekend, starting with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow, and Lawrence O’Donnell processing the Friday news dumps on MSNBC as we end the last week of the Trump era. Or you can watch the U.S. Ladies Free Skate Championships at 8 on NBC (the men skate tomorrow at 4pm), or new episodes of Whose Line and Penn & Teller: Fool Us on the CW. Tonight at 11 on BBC America, The Graham Norton Show welcomes Regina King and “The Queen’s Gambit” star Anya Taylor-Joy. 

Encore showing tomorrow night at 10 on MSNBC.

The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here (Tom Brady and Drew Brees go at it Sunday at 6:30 on Fox, and that’ll be fun) and the NBA schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 10 catch an encore showing of the great documentary focusing (pun intended) on Barack Obama’s White House photographer Pete Souza, The Way I See It, on MSNBC. SNL is still in reruns (the Justin Bateman-hosted show is tomorrow night). Sunday on 60 Minutes: inauguration security efforts in the wake of the Republican Party’s attempted coup. And at 8 on the CW you can catch the season premiere of Batwoman with new lead Javicia Leslie and, as always, Rachel Maddow providing commentary as radio personality Vesper Fairchild.

Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:

Meet the Press: TBA

Prepare yourself, people. We’re about to have a White House communications team that’s not made up of serial liars. Kate Bedingfield offers a truth-telling preview Sunday.

Face the Nation: Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA); incoming CDC Director Rochelle Walensky; Gov. Jim Justice (Trump Cult-WV); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; St. Paul Mayor Melvin Carter (D).

This Week: Biden White House communications director Kate Bedingfield.

CNN’s State of the UnionBiden chief of staff Ron Klain; Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL); Rep. Jaime Raskin (D-MD).

Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: TBA

Happy viewing!

Ten years ago in C&J: January 15, 2011

JEERS to the new Keeper of the Thankless Job.  Oh, drat.  I thought God might intervene and, purely for our amusement, allow Michael Steele to stay on as chairman of the RNC.  Twas not to be.  The new chairman’s name is Reince Priebus.  I hate him already—he just made my spellchecker explode. [1/15/21 Update: Hey, brilliant job on that party “rebranding,” Reince. We hope you’re finding your duties at the Burger King fry vat more suitable to your talents.]

And just one more…

CHEERS to America’s favorite “Girl from the South Side.”  Michelle Obama (who you can follow on twitter here) is the tenth First Lady whose iron-fisted regime I’ve lived under. During her eight way-too-fast years in that official capacity, she was an amazing role model—not only in terms of her grace and humor and intelligence and optimism and down-to-earth authenticity and… (I’ll stop there for space reasons—my list of her pluses is 12 pages long, single spaced), but also for throwing open the doors of the White House and making it feel more like the “People’s House” than any time I can remember. (For another five days the place will continue to feel more like Berlin circa 1945.)  Sunday is Michelle’s hrrfrrfrfth birthday, and that’s all the reason I need to post these…

I know there’s no job description or requirements for the role of presidential spouse, but I think it’s fair to say that she set the bar just about as high as it can go. She rocked it. So, in conclusion: Happy happy happy (I’ll stop there for space reasons—my list of happys is also 12 pages long) birthday, Michelle, and many blessings on your camels.

P.S. Her too:

She’ll be 99!

This is the final weekend of the Trump administration. Even if I get hit by a bus, develop rickets and a tree falls on my house, it’s still gonna be the best weekend ever. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Daily Kos